I was 15 when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I started showing signs when I was just 9 years old.
My name is Adeline Williams, I am a senior at Woodhaven High School and an author of The Purple Pulse. When I was a little girl, I had many friends, but I always felt so lonely. I felt stuck in my head most of the time; listening to the negative recurring thoughts. I thought as though I was the only one with these kinds of thoughts and I was different from others. No one knew I had these thoughts and feelings but me.
Everything got worse for me in my freshman year of high school. I lost two people who were very dear to me, and I started having the worst panic attacks. I was behind in all of my classes from arriving at school late, leaving school early, or not even coming to school at all. I had no motivation, I didn’t see myself making it past that year. The hardest part about it, though, was that I didn’t know why I felt that way.
I always naturally compared myself to others; it was like an instinct. Being a twin and having yourself be compared to someone that isn’t at all like you besides your physical being is hard. The other part of it was because I was introduced to social media at a very young age. Social media changed my view on a lot of things, including myself. TikTok and other platforms plummeted my self-esteem. I wish I could have changed everything about myself. I tried to avoid this as much as possible and I stopped talking. I thought if I stopped being noticeable, they would stop noticing me and leave me be. I know they wouldn’t say things directly to my face, but I always thought about what they could have been thinking or saying about me at that moment. In reality, I was my worst enemy but I didn’t know it at the time.
I isolated myself and didn’t talk to anyone in my sophomore year of high school. Everything went downhill from here. I had no one to talk to, no one to understand me. I felt like I had no purpose in life anymore, and no one knew.
The following summer, I didn’t know why I was still alive. This is the time when I knew I had to speak up. I soon told my mother about everything that was going on with me and everything that was going on in my head. She arranged for me to see a psychiatrist.
I have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. Everything started to make sense to me. These disorders look slightly different for everybody. For me, I used bad coping mechanisms, had bad thoughts nonstop, isolated myself, never went to school, never left my room, and sometimes it would be so hard for me to get out of bed and brush my teeth in the morning or brush my hair.
I had very poor hygiene, and I think that was the biggest red flag for my parents because I always used to make sure I smelled and looked nice before I left the house. Everything I thought about on a daily basis that I knew wasn’t normal finally had an explanation. If I didn’t speak up, I don’t know where I would be today.
My psychiatrist found me a therapist, and I started therapy. I know, I know. Most people think therapy is just for the weak and sensitive people, but I think it has helped me become as strong as I am today. Although therapy took a huge role in this, I also had to be put on medication to settle my anxiety, boost my serotonin, and reduce the negative thoughts in my head.
Trial and error were a big part of this process. I had to figure out what medicine worked for me, what the best coping strategies were for me, and a way to replace my negative thoughts with good ones, which is the hardest thing someone can try to do. This was a very time-consuming process, and in the middle of it, I never thought I would get better and almost gave up. My friends and family really helped me when it came to this.
In my junior year of high school, I got a new and better therapist who was my best friend, and I finally found the right medicine for me. This was at the end of junior year, so throughout that year, I struggled heavily. I almost failed all of my classes that year and didn’t go to half of them. I was put in outpatient hospitalization because I was a risk to myself and I was struggling so hard.
Before junior year, I really thought I was alone. My teachers that year were all so helpful. They all cared so much about me and how I was doing. They did everything in their power to make sure I graduated, especially my counselor. I have such a good support system, and I don’t think I would have had the amazing people I have today if I didn’t speak up.
